Deep Truth · Healing · relationship to self

Dear 4 year old me. You Matter.

Dear Little Me,

I see you crying by yourself, on the stairs. I see you, and no one else. Why isn’t anyone here to comfort and console you? What happened, sweet girl? What went wrong? Are you in trouble?

Yes, I am in trouble – I am crying because I am alone and no one cares.

I hear you. I have felt that way a lot in my life.

Let me tell you something. I am you. I am you, young child. I am the older version. You. Me.

We have come a long way.

First I want you to know that you are allowed to speak your mind and feel whatever it is you need to feel. You deserve to be heard and you deserved to be comforted when you cry. Every. Single. Time. They have made you feel wrong for being too sensitive and as though you are too much to handle. This is a gift, a gift we learn about later on in life. We struggle deeply with it in our teens and act out and choose destructive choices to rid the pain we feel of being not enough.

This gift, I must tell you, your sensitivity, is magic. You feel things that others feel. That is a gift. You have empathy and you care deeply. This is our greatest gift and yet our greatest struggle. For we sometimes take on other people’s pain. We take on people who need to be saved when we really just need to be loved. We have the ability to love even though we aren’t being loved the way we deserve. This is a blessing and a curse. For we will have to learn when to walk away and to stay strong in that walk.

The way you are being loved isn’t the way you need. This is going to teach you great things. For one, you are going to be an incredible woman, mother and friend. You will always choose to have compassion and understanding over judgment. You and I learn things the hard way – because we choose love and people out there tend to take advantage of the deep lovers of the world. For we see the good in everyone as we want people to see the good in us. Yet, some are not ready to see their light nor acknowledge their darkness. 

Cry dear, because crying is a gift too. Some don’t cry. They hold it in, and they pretend that it’s weak. But its strength and it is oh so cleansing. So cry when you need to. Cry to let go. Cry cause you’re happy. And don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong and its not okay. It is okay to cry. And it is okay to not be okay.

You feel alone because they are afraid of your light and your truth. You are too much for them but you can never be too much for those that truly love you. We will learn this painfully. And soon we will learn to manage our deepest emotions and deepest desires and we will find balance.

They will say you have an anger problem, but please don’t listen to them. For the ones who are truly with a problem are the ones who can not handle your truth and your desire to stand strong in your convictions. Stand strong. At all times. And believe me, we do. This anger you project comes from not being heard, being called names and being shunned. This anger will be transcended, and we will melt it into the light. You won’t always feel so angry at the world – soon, in your 30’s you’ll realize that anger is beautiful because it reminds you that you actually loved. Those that do not express anger and bottle it up, are not living their truths. You and I, we don’t bottle things up. We express. And to others it is “too much”. I beg, please keep being “too much” in a world where we are told to shut up and bear it or just do it, or be a people pleaser. We are so not people pleasers.

I see your pain sweet girl – this pain will be transformed one day. I promise you. I see you wanting to be held and to be told you matter. You are going to be one of the best mommies out there because of this pain. You will always, no matter what, make sure your children know they matter. You will always make sure those around you know they matter and are heard. This makes you vulnerable and susceptible to being hurt. People tend to hide from their truth, and their issues. You have always wanted to know their deepest truths and people sense this, and don’t always stick around because they don’t want to face their own inner demons. It will hurt but you will gain strength and wisdom from these experiences.

I see you my love, my heart. I see that you want to be loved in the most connected way. And it hurts when you are rejected and shunned. I hear that. We have come a long way in self love. Self love did not come naturally until we woke up to the changes we needed to make. Starting from within. You will love yourself – fiercely. And you will be relentless about what you desire.

I see you darling wondering where they are, and why they don’t care you hurt. I see you and I promise you that it isn’t about you. They do not have the capacity at this time, to understand your depths nor their wounded selves to comprehend how their actions affect you. And unfortunately, we have to turn into fighters real quick in order to survive with the toxic love we are surrounded by.

You are a warrior in training, sweet girl.

I know it is crippling to feel as though someone you love doesn’t love you. The most important thing we can do is forgive. Find forgiveness without an apology. Find your heart and open it even though it feels destroyed. Find compassion even though they continue to pretend that everything is fine and they did no wrong. Find understanding because you will learn behind every action is a reason and underneath that reason is an intention and someone running from their wounds. They will try to place their wounds onto you, and make you wrong, and you will have to stand strong in your essence. Take a stand against injustice. You will, and you will win. We will rise, and we will not stop until we have exactly what we want.

Although, we have to remind ourselves that, exactly what we want doesn’t come in the form we always imagined; sometimes we are given exactly what we need instead, which is actually 100x better. So embrace the chaos, and the mess, and love yourself and believe in your life. Own your darkness, and your life. 

These tears may stream down your face but they are raising your game so that we can be all that we can be. And do what we came here to do.  

So sweet girl, I see you. I hear you. I am here to hear you. Please look at me. You will get through this moment. I know these moments of despair feel as though they will last forever. This will pass, and there will be happiness and the sun will rise. You will meet people who love, adore and admire you. You will meet amazing people. You will love. You will be loved. It will all happen in Divine timing. Right now, in this moment, cry and let it out, and go back in there and you tell them that “I MATTER”. If they don’t recognize that, then leave. Sit in your room and colour. Play. Find something to make you laugh. Do these things to show yourself, that you matter. Because maybe they don’t see it, but I promise you, one day – YOU will see it.

And when you see it – everything changes for the better.

I love you, so very much. You fiery, sensitive, and too much to handle, beautiful child.

xo

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