What am I feeling?
I feel this emptiness inside my bones.
It resides in my heart. And my spirit is torn.
I don’t really like what I am feeling. It is tearing me a part. It is manifesting physcial discomfort. I haven’t been very kind to myself and I haven’t been very kind to others.
Hurt people, hurt people. I feel I haven’t been treated very kindly, either.
But what does that matter really, that someone treats me like shit?
I can’t make someone acknowledge that they have hurt me. So why even bother to talk about it.
We know when we hurt someone. Maybe when we know, it is to much for us to bear to admit to what we have done or said. Because then that means, we have to look at ourselves, deeply, and ask ourselves questions, and dig deep into the wounds of our souls and what triggered us to act in such a way.
We don’t want to look at ourselves.
I get it.
It’s not easy. For us to be able to heal on a soul and heart level, we will need to do this.
I am looking at myself. Right now, as I write this. I am afraid that if I was to speak of what I know, that I will come off as a know it all. Because I have been laughed at in the past. Because I have been told to shut up and not speak at all for what I have to say doesn’t matter.
So what is it about me that I need to address here? Even though they may laugh, I can still speak. Even though they think I don’t matter, I can still stand tall and be in my truth.
Don’t look them in the eyes if that is what it takes. Don’t look at anyone as you speak, and say it with confidence, and once you are done, walk away. For you do not need to stay and wait on their response or approval to your truth.
Why am I not to look at their eyes? For the fear that if I see any invalidation or disapproval, I will stumble and fall and I won’t say what I want to really say.
It is okay to not look into someones eyes. And it is okay to look at them in their eyes and stay strong in your truth with conviction.
You know who these people are; the ones we won’t look at while we speak. Then there are the ones who we can look into their eyes; the ones who are open and aware and conscious and receptive to hearing someone else’s truth.
So I continue to take a look at myself and realize that I am feeling depressed and lonely and as though I do not belong.
And I realized, that I do not belong where I have been. And that I belong where I am now. The people I surround myself with now is where I belong. And yet I want to belong everywhere and be accepted among those that do not accept me.
And yet I am accepted in the community of healers and high vibrational people. I am seen and heard and loved.
So the soul lesson is to be brave in being seen and heard and loved.
What I know is that I have been praying for this for a very long time and here I am being given my desires.
It scares me. And although I trust those around me, I feel the wounded part of me wondering if I am good enough to be among these healers and mystic and lovers.
My past really haunts me; my partying days; the way I allowed people to treat me; how I acted and the things I said and did when I was low; how things manifested. It traumatizes me and paralyzes me to think that this isn’t real. And it is only fleeting and they’ll start to believe what others say about me instead of who I really am. Because it seems that people love to talk about me and what they think and know of me, rather than actually knowing me.
Why does that bother me so much?
Because I feel less than based on others perceptions, and I have started to believe the critics. I am drowning in their words and stories of me instead of rising above and being in my true essence.
It’s consuming me.
I have so much to be grateful for in my life; I have a healthy and happy daughter, a beautiful home, a running car, good food and a computer to write on. I have a little garden and I have people who truly do care about me.
Then there is that part of me that says, no, people don’t truly care about you.
I have formed a recent belief that people do not care about anyone but themselves.
And it makes me sick.
It makes me sick because I have experienced such selfish acts over the course of my life; with no regard for others and the future. Just an absolute on what they want and that is all that matters.
It makes me sick.
I feel ill to my stomach thinking about it. It makes me want to end my life. It makes me want to shut off and hide in my bed. It makes life not worth living.
So how do I get past this? How do I keep on living as I know that I must do? How can I love others again? How can I trust?
As a highly sensitive person this is an overwhelming task. As someone who feels the pain and hurt of others in their heart, this obstacle is the biggest one yet. And as someone who feels so deeply that it could make an army of men cry, I wonder if I can actually overcome this issue.
I know where it comes from. I know where it started. So do I just forgive this person?
I know that isn’t all because to me that won’t be enough for me.
Maybe nothing is enough for me? Maybe I need to decide that it is enough.
Soul and heart healing is about looking at ourselves and not others.
There comes a time to look at our role and how things played out and then there comes a time to look at how to overcome it all.
I now need to look at how to overcome it all. This is where I am stuck because you just never know how people are feeling or going to act, or react, or respond or be. If they will see you for you, or see you in a way that accommodates what they think and feel.
Perhaps the key is that I decide to not hide, run, and stop caring. But to step into the woman I am and be in my essence and trust that my truth is okay to be expressed even if they don’t understand, like or care for it.
I shall be known as the woman who speaks her truth with love, and fierceness and boldness.
That is what my soul is saying – To just speak and write and be exactly what I am called to.
Things happen in life; we become friends with those who aren’t as loyal and committed as you. We are in relationships that end up ruining our soul and heart and we don’t think we could ever love again. We are betrayed by family, friends, and people we don’t even know, the law, our neighbors and we become petrified of how easy it is for people to destroy another human being. We are raped and used and we feel as though we are nothing and disgusting and as though life isn’t as shiny as we’d like.
Obviously that is my experience and mine alone, and if that last part speak to you, then I salute you for being here with me on this journey.
And we feel all these things and yet we carry on. I have carried on, and also I have healed, and grown and become a better version of myself.
That is the beauty in this life, that we can become a better version of ourselves every day.
Today I choose to become a better and more authentic version of myself.
You’d think that being raped would tore me a part, but actually it was family and friends who hurt me at the most deepest level. I forgave both my rapists many years ago and feel complete. It is the men who have claimed their love for me but then realized that their love was based on their needs and not on my heart. That runs deep, but I have forgiven. The wound presents itself time and again. Time and again, I have to remind myself of the power of love.
The power of love to have compassion and empathy for myself and for others. Yes I have compassion and empathy for my mother whom I do not speak to. And yes for all those that have betrayed my soul and heart. I will not be drowned by their lack of compassion and empathy and love for me. Because my love for them is not dependent on their love for me.
That means that I honor myself with distance and silence and living my truth.
That means I do not allow others to dictate my life. I do not live for others or work my life around them and what they want for me.
This is a lesson, to honor myself.
To lesson my pain that I am feeling in my body, heart, mind and spirit I must honor the experiences as they were as that is what was best for me by the DIVINE Holy Spirit.
And that’s really the truth, I have to honor and respect what was, in the name of the Great Spirit, Mother Earth and Father Sky for they know best.
I forget we all have fears and we are all protecting ourselves, every minute, every second.
Let us not forget that we act out of fear at times and that is a part of being a human.
For we are not perfect humans. I have to remember that. We project our hurts on to others. We project what we did wrong on to others, and we make others wrong before taking a look at ourselves.
Perhaps instead of going off in a state of rage, and yes I am talking to myself, I pray.
We pray for the courage to see the wound, and ask the Angels to release this deep hurt.
We say thank you to all experiences and then we take action on our healing. On healing it so that we may be free.
And in my experience, the greatest healer is ourselves. It starts with me taking the steps to sit down and pray and ask for Divine guidance and healing.
I have to do that. And if I don’t, I drown. Maybe we need to be immersed in the darkness at times and at other times we need to accept that we deserve joy and abundance.
We deserve to feel joy and love and abundance.
When we are not well emotionally, it means that something has occurred either recently, or in the past and there was a wound triggered and we need to address it.
We are not born with feeling low and sad; we experience things and become overwhelmed and washed away by it and we need help in getting to the root of that wound so that healing can take place.
Soul and heart healing is for the strong, and so I ask that you be strong and take care of your soul and heart today. Even just a little bit, because you deserve to be here. You belong here. You reside here. And there is purpose for your presence.
We need to start listening to our intuition and really following that guidance or the same things will keep happening.
I did not listen recently, and things turned rather sour and I am now picking my pieces back up and it is painful but I know I must do this if I want to accomplish the things I want to do; as a mother, a woman and a healer.
We must love ourselves so fiercely and profoundly that nothing anyone says could ever break us again.
We must do things differently and make changes that our soul calls for and act on them.
Little by little. Increment by increment.
You need to feel it within every fiber in your body that you are going to do what you came here to do. Visualize yourself being where you desire to be. Doing what you desire to be doing.
And also be, open to what could be. You’d be surprised at the gifts that are dormant within. I had no idea I had the gift of mediumship, until I was invited to a circle where we connected with the other side.
Profound moment for me.
Be receptive to the possibilities and opportunities that present themselves. Sometimes fear takes over and we give in. We are only afraid of being seen and heard because we fear they won’t like us. But give it a chance. I went into meditation with my spirit guides prior to my first mediumship circle as I almost backed out – they nudged me hard to go. I went, and it awakened something in me that I am so grateful and blessed to behold.
You just never know, what wants to be awakened.
There really is no stopping a person who is full of love and light. So find that love and that light and make that decision to show up for yourself in the way you want others to show up for you!
And now I feel the love and the light surging through my bones and my soul and my heart and my spirit. She is present and feeling emancipated and strong.
Address it, write it, talk about it, reach out about it, and heal it.
Acknowledge it to heal it. Love it to heal it. And do whatever it takes to get to Joy.
Energy healers await. Yoga awaits. Meditation awaits. Eating a bountiful meal awaits. Speaking your truth awaits. Rising about what was, and living what you desire awaits.
In this present moment, take the moment to acknowledge the powerful beacon of light that is within you, and then take an action step to show yourself.
This is my message on feelings and life and healing and rising above and looking deeply at myself and how I can live an authentic and loving life by owning who I am.
I hope you enjoyed!