Deep Truth · Healing · Motherhood · relationship to self

Sacred Mothers and My Story Of Post Pardum Depression

I am a sacred mother. I adore motherhood. And also I have hated it.

I am a single mother. But I don’t really feel called to be labelled a “single mom” because I am just like a lot of mothers. Stay at home moms are doing it alone a lot of the time, along with military moms. And many other sorts of moms. 

I feel that a theme among moms is that we feel alone a lot of the time. We want so much for our children to know they are loved, we do everything we can to make sure that they are taken care of. We never want to hear them cry, and we want to make them happy. We fulfill all their needs. Then something happens, we forget about our own needs.

This is where my story comes in.

2 years in, and I start to feel more and more alone in this thing called motherhood, I start losing myself. I had lost some friends. I had a failed relationship. I was unsuccessful at finding a good job that worked well with motherhood. I was lonely, and deeply depressed. I didn’t realize it then but I had developed resentment towards my child. Believe me when I tell you this, it is taking so much courage to admit that because there is nothing I’d rather be doing than loving her in all her essence and appreciating my daughter every second of the day. In my depression and hopelessness, I made a decision to move in with people who I thought would help me. In the end they did not help me, but instead kicked me while I was down.

I was doing the best I could, and not even realizing how bad I was suffering or the root cause of it. I didn’t even realize that I lost myself through consuming myself in taking care of my child and tending to her needs at every beck and call, night and day. I had neglected myself. I had not taken care of any of my needs. I was terrified and angry and lost. And felt so mother fucking alone. What transpired was traumatic for myself and my daughter, people who I trusted decided to call the ministry to tell them I was, in their eyes, being a terrible mother and thus my child was taken from me. What I had discovered after, and in between the time I got my baby back, in the midst of my anguish and deep emotional pain, was that I had late postpartum depression. This is taking me a lot of courage to say because I don’t ever want to admit that I am not perfect, or there is something wrong with me. Because I know that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am a beautiful human being and a very loving mother. I know I was not being the best mother I had planned to be but everything those people had said, was not true. They had twisted me around to be a monster, and it was utterly the most disgusting and hurtful thing I have ever experienced by another human being. 

I am saying this all to bring an awareness of our perception of others and how they are not always true. In fact, most likely not true. It is so important to be empathetic instead of judgmental and to talk with people instead of talk at them. I am bringing this to awareness that it is also possible to experience late postpardum despression and it isn’t always a certain kind of expereince. In my experience, my depression was that I wanted to leave, I wanted to run away from motherhood, because I was so overwhelmed by the responsibility of doing it all by myself. I felt frustrated being single and I wanted to run off to be a gypsy. I loved my child so much that I didn’t leave, but I stayed in resentment and I hated myself for it. I fucking hated myself. I hated myself that I had not given my daughter a proper family. I hated myself that she had to be around my depression. I hated myself that I wanted to pack my shit and leave. And I hated myself that I decided to live with people who only wanted to judge and be a source of more pain for my daughter and I. I hated myself because I wasn’t being the best mother I knew myself to be deep down. And I hated everyone because they did not care to help, but instead treated me like I was some piece of scum. When truthfully, even though I felt like scum I still gave my daughter all of me. She was still was taken care of. I still did everything I could to let her know I loved her and she mattered. I did it resentfully maybe. I did it more impatiently, but I did it. And yet I felt not enough. And it fucking sucked. And no one was there to save me. No one. The thing is, it all happened so I could save myself. And I did. I saved my fucking self. 

I looked back to connect the dots to it and where I lost my power and forgot to take care of myself; I had been trying to wean off breastfeeding, my daughter was just starting to sleep through the night so that meant I was very sleep deprived. My heart was healing from loss of love and friendship and also a death of a very close family member. I had a lot going on within that felt devastating. And I felt the only thing I could adequately do was take care of my daughter. I had totally and utterly gave up on myself. And felt trapped in changing even though I know I needed to change. I felt trapped in motherhood. I didn’t have adequate amount of help as a single mother. I didn’t feel I could reach out for real help. And I didn’t feel very appreciated by a few people. I was seriously struggling. This is where I am here to tell you that it is so damn important to not judge mothers. To not condemn them. To not make them wrong. The only thing you should be doing is helping them. We all do things for a reason. I am however grateful for how everything transpired, even though very painful, I woke up. I woke up to the fact that I am my own worst enemy. I woke up to my suffering and realized the only way to change is to listen to the call of spirit.

This pain I experienced was traumatic but it literally transformed my life.

I feel I had forgotten the kind of mother I had promised to be, and without that pain, I am not sure if I would be where I am. It’s not that I have changed since the day I birthed my child, it’s that I remembered who I am.  And am again being who I said I was going to be in the first place. 

Spirit called me in, deeply, profoundly, and closely, and I listened. And I continue to listen.

As I was doing Reiki on myself the other day, the message I got was that I am a Sacred Mother. And from that message I felt called to reach out to those that need a reminder that you are indeed a Sacred Mother. I feel that the ones that notice our failings, and recognize what had gone wrong, and deeply why, are the ones who are the good ones.

Not one of us is perfect. But our children see us as perfect and that should be enough.

If you are struggling, know that it won’t last forever, and that if you need help, please be sure to reach out to those that you know will be compassionate, loving and non judgmental. It is so important that we surround ourselves with those that appreciate the essence of who we are and have the ability to empathize. And know that even though we may not be acting in the most perfect way, that the people supporting us know that this is a call for unconditional love and support.

So if you see a mother melting down, losing it, not being very patient, not feeling very lovey dovey; that is a call for compassion. A nice gesture would be to offer to take care of her child so the mother can get some space to herself. So she can talk to God, to the Angels, go to the ocean, to sit with the trees, to go on a date, to buy a nice shirt, to take a weekend trip or whatever the hell she wants to be doing.

We are not meant to do this thing alone, nor are we supposed to do this thing perfectly. We all have bad days. We all have bad moments. Let us find compassion for ourselves and others. And also know that it is all only a reflection of ourselves, not our children. You will always redeem yourself because that is the kind of mother you are. You know when to say I am sorry and that changed behavior is the result of that. We know this, because that is what learning entails.

Sacred Mothers are the mothers who were born to do this, and to love on a grand scale. To endure great pains and traumas and curve balls. We are fucking warriors, raising warriors. We were born with backbones of steel and hearts of gold. We were born to raise our eccentric, strong willed, disabled, autistic, feisty and spirited children that we were gifted to us because we have the will, and the strength to show them even though they are these things, we will love them with every fucking fiber in our bodies. We may not be perfect every day, but the thing is, life is messy, life is not a straight line. And the imperfections and vulnerabilities of life make us beautiful. We are here to remind the world, that what matters the most is how we make each other feel, not what we look like and not what we do. Sacred Mothers are the ones who realize all of this, and honour ourselves and our children, and what we can create as women, together.

The thing is, a mother gets a lot of advice. They have this idea of how things should be and realize quickly how they want things to be and then they have to fight what others say we “should” do. We as mothers are highly intuitive to our children. And our intuition is the only voice we should trust. If we don’t feel good about a person, trust that. I felt like there was no way out of my hell and choose to not listen to my intuition. However, everything is Divine and so I will not blame, nor judge nor question nor feel pain because of it anymore. I will feel gratitude. Gratitude for the wake up call. Gratitude for spirit. Gratitude for my precious and amazing child. Gratitude for this healing I am integrating so very deeply into my being. Gratitude for being gifted this path as a Sacred Mother.

I had lost myself, but in that, I also found myself.

And for that I will forever be grateful for those that decided to throw rocks at me instead of loving me. Because it is with those rocks that I realized my true potential. And with those rocks I built a strength within me that can not be broken. It is with those rocks that I dodged and did not fall because of, but instead I went forth and did not back down or give up on what I came here to do. I could have easily given up. With those rocks I ran, ran far from what no longer serves me to what divinely serves me. Which is spirit. Myself. My daughter. My life. My creations. My heart. My soul. My sisters. My healing. My ancestors. My life purpose. My fellow Sacred Mothers.

So, Sacred Mothers, know, you are not alone. You are amazing. And if you feel lost, you will be found. Trust. Know. And believe in yourself. And know, I love you so much and think you are absolutely the best thing to ever grace this planet.

And this is my reminder to you; you got this.

And if you don’t, that’s okay. We are here for you. Us, Sacred Mothers. Please, let us stand together and hear the call without words, and without even questioning. Let us just do it.

Sacred Mothers are the ones who learn and grow and become our greatest selves because of our children. Look out for these beauties. Know these are the ones to keep around and help and be in our tribe.

This is no easy path. It is a sacred and healing path. It is time to let it all go. And embrace exactly what is. Forgive what was. And move forth with what will be.

And so it is.

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