My last relationship was a doozy. Intense. Intimate. Drama filled. Triggering. Wound unraveling. Emotionally draining. Soul sucking. Abusive. Manipulative. Fast and furious. Deceitful. And at the rare times, magical.
A relationship I will always be grateful for. Why? Because I called it into my life. I asked for my deepest wounds to be presented to me, so I could heal on a profound level. That was my exact request from the Universe. I did not think that I would receive something in this form. Something that shook me to the core of my being. And in some ways, I was presented with my darkest shadows. The shadow of my scary emotions, and reactive nature. And the blessing? I have learnt that silence is golden. And even though I am a highly sensitive person, I am safe to feel it all. That releasing my emotions in a healthy way, is the only way to feeling balanced.
I ask myself, why did I love him so much? The answer? I love deeply, and that is just the way I love. Releasing him felt like my heart was bleeding and my soul was transforming. I loved someone who wanted to control me, himself, everyone around him and even his own (and everyone’s) emotions. It was hard to watch. There was nothing I could do to convince such a person that control is an illusion.
The healing was a dark experience. I felt like my heart had been stomped on. My soul had been taken. And that parts of me where not good enough.
I cut cords. I called back my energy and power. I prayed for healing from the Angels. I cried hard. I let myself go. Then I picked myself back up. I took action on my next steps.
I remembered who I am. I raised my standards. I forgave him. I forgave myself. I loved him anyway. I kept cutting cords. I continued to take my power back.
I forgave all the men who I have allowed to use me for my body and sexuality.
I forgave the two men who raped me. The men who did not care.
My father and mother for not providing me with emotional support as a young girl. Those who did not respect my highly sensitive nature, I let go of. Who did not love me as I am. Who were not gentle with me.
I had to forgive all these men and people because I knew if I didn’t I would attract another relationship where I felt used, abused and not honoured.
And I took responsibility for my own actions.
For my reactions. For my shit that I projected. For the wrongs I made. For going against my powerful intuition. For going into the relationship when I was lonely as all hell; knowing I should have waited until he had moved out of his ex’s home (right?) and had done his own healing from her. (duh)
I learnt so I would never put myself in this kind of situation again.
I raised my standards.
Of what I expect from myself. Of what I will allow from others. Of how I will conduct myself in the presence of men. Of how I will interact with men. Of who I let in my life and why. Of my beliefs. Of my values and morals. Of my responses. Of the conversations that I will engage in. And mostly, of speaking my truth.
I am no longer afraid of how my truth effects anyone. I will be considerate, but real.
I learnt that anger towards self and others is very poisonous. Gossip is worthless. Complaining is a waste of time. Resentment is fear of being vulnerable.
I may have already knew this. But this time, it all sunk into my heart and soul. I had finally arrived at learning inner peace.
Inner peace is far greater than bullshit. Silence instead of drama. Silence instead of defending. Silence instead of persuading someone to love you. Silence instead of anger. Silence instead of proving yourself. Silence instead of anyone who tries to disturb your truth.
Because in the end, this soul healing, what became the most important aspect was that I knew who I was and that I loved me. And if he doesn’t. If they don’t. If someone hates you. And worse, leaves you because they won’t love you for you.
It doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that you take your life into your own hands and heal your heart for you. So when you are ready, you can love again. So when you remember, again, your worthiness, your greatness, your loveableness, your beautiful soul – you can go forth and be who you were before you were almost destroyed.
And they`ll never destroy you, darling. Because you’re too strong for that. You’re too wise.
So don’t you dare stay down.
And that is a part of healing – you rise. Above the hurt, pain and suffering.
And you take care of your heart. It always starts with you.
Self Realization expands our consciousness.
Why do we believe what we believe? Why do we do what we do? Do we know how things will unfold? And why do we keep letting the same things happen? Why do we break our own hearts sometimes? Why does society seem to marry those who are alike their parents? And what if we loved someone who were nothing like our parents? What if instead we loved our parents, forgave them, and treated them like we want to be treated. Even if that means letting pride go. What if we stop leaning on people so much, and start leaning on ourselves, trusting our selves; trusting spirit and the messages we receive.
Devotion to self.
Devote to honour yourself. In all the glorious mess you may find yourself in. Devote to your healing. Devote to understand your fiery heart and beautiful soul. Devote yourself to inner peace. Devote to raising your standards and sticking by them. Devote to forgiving yourself and others every moment. Devote to being silent over bullshit. Devote yourself to your magnificence and act like you give a damn about your heart and life. Devote to changing anything in your life that needs to change. And do everything in your power to be the best version of yourself.
And so I will continue to do so.
I trust you will know what to do on your healing journey – and you will. Trust that.